I never was good at having too close of a personal relationship with anyone because of my unstable (for a lack of a better term) childhood. The one thing I knew at a very early age was that I shouldn’t have any children of my own. I was convinced that if I had children I would be unloving, mean, abusive and totally detached as my mother was to me and my siblings.

As I grew physically, mentally and emotionally I analyzed why someone would have babies and then never regard them as anyone or anything of value. My conclusion is that it revolved around ignorance and laziness. My mother didn’t take contraceptives or learn anything about parenting because she didn’t want to. Another contributing factor for her ignorance was that she was a victim of her environment. She certainly didn’t have any good examples to follow from her childhood and so she adapted as a child and accepted that way of life in adulthood.

Enough dwelling on my mother. As I stated I made my decision very early in life not to have children. I lived for my career. I Worked hard, went to college nights and made it well known that I was ready for every promotion I sought.

By the time I reached fifty I had purchased my dream house; the one I was going to retire in (I thought). I was taking long walks on the beach at the crack of dawn, traveling whenever and where ever I wanted and I had no ties. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, lets just label the next chapter of my life as a 360 degree life change.

I am not the type to make decisions impulsively so my decision to bring two boys into my life and my home was after a long assessment of the situation. My sister had three children and her oldest was already out on her own after having a baby at sixteen. My two nephews were twelve and nine. Both of them were doing below grade level in school and had enormous freedom to come and go as they pleased. So many factors revolved around me taking custody of the boys that I could write a book but I will spare you. I knew that I could make a difference for them financially but also I saw an opportunity to further break up that pattern in our family of poor education, lack of standards and expectations and set a good example of hard work pays off.

So, twelve years ago I brought two boys into my life so I could teach them how to pursue a better quality of life by getting a good education and working hard for the things they want. What I got in exchange was them teaching me how to open my heart and let love into it for the first time in my life. These guys have made me laugh, made me cry, and helped bring out the mothering qualities I never thought I had. They convinced me that I would have made a wonderful mother. They are twenty-five and twenty-one, well educated, in loving relationships and working hard toward goals and dreams that they have set for themselves. I see them often and always have my arms and heart open for all the hugs and “I love yous” they have to offer.

So, as I plan my retirement I look around my house that is purposely in a neighborhood with lots of children, a town known for its multitude of children programs and in a school district recognized state wide for its academic excellence. I chose this town and house especially for the boys and get teary eyed as I plan to sell. But, those tears are short lived when I think of how great they did and how proud I am that I could help to groom them into wonderful, productive, society contributing young men. I also know that with the three of us breaking that pattern in the family of non-educated, non-productive and lacking motivation there is hope and high expectations for future generations of this family.

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